Vegan Woman Swears by Having a SPERM Smoothie Every Morning

I’d like to start this article by informing you that as I type I’m also contemplating life and the human species.


Look, we all have one of those mates who runs a health blog. The one who tries to take arty pictures of a blob of vegan yoghurt and a sprinkle of sesame seeds – which they then write an inspirational quotation underneath to make it appear like it has meaning, rather than just being utter BS.

Whilst that kills me inside a little bit as I eat my fry up…at least they’re not advising people to put SPERM in their smoothies. SPERM.


The f*ck.

That’s the case with Vegan 29 Year-old single mother, Tracy Kiss, from Buckinghamshire – who has been drinking said smoothies every morning for the past month in order to give her “vitamins and minerals” which she misses from her diet.


“My other mates think I’m strange but I don’t give a toss”.

You don’t have to give a toss Tracy, but your mate does!

Yes, she has been getting her ‘supply’ from a male friend of hers who ‘harvests it for her’ and stores it in tubs in the fridge alongside her groceries. Sounds great for him until you realise that he’s not actually getting to put his banana in her smoothie; merely acting as a self-milking bull.

“Every batch tastes different…If he’s been drinking alcohol or eaten something particularly pungent like asparagus, I ask him to give me a heads up so I know not to drink it neat.”

‘Things like pineapple and peppermint make it taste better, but I’ll happily take it straight off a spoon usually.”


She’s a Mother as well. I pray her children’s mates never find out…or else we’ve got two more kids having to suffer the inevitable ‘Yo Mama jokes’ that will follow them throughout their lives (like the woman who literally shattered her scales).

Good news for those not completely weirded out by this post, however. Tracy is on the lookout for a new bf.

‘I want a relationship where my partner asks if I want one shot or two shots of sperm in my smoothie each morning!’


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